journal · life · lifestyle

What I’ve Been Through Last Year – Narcissistic Abuse

It has been a year of not posting anything here and I must admit that I miss blogging! My 2016 has been a whirlwind combination of good, bad, and bittersweet happenings.
It was also a year of deconstruction, trial-and-error, exploration and freedom.
So behold, this is going to be a lengthy post.

My sister and I were on our usual “late-at-night” chitchat one night before going to bed when she suddenly told me that she stalked my blog. I was surprised that she did as I haven’t blog for a year. She told me that she was just merely bored at that time. (Still, thanks, sissy! x)  She asked why I stopped blogging; that I should keep writing, considering that I have good posts. I told her that I lost my motivation and interest in blogging for a while.

I’ve been attempting to post countless of times before but my mind was in chaos. I don’t know when and how to start until she struck my mind.
It’s just like a light bulb had just been turned on somewhere in there and here I am, trying my best to do what I love once again.
One of the things I like about my sister is how she encourages me without knowing that she does.
Thanks again, sister! xx

It wasn’t just my sister who encouraged me but the realization that I can still go back and do the things that I loveBlogging. Although, getting into that realization wasn’t easy. Heck, it was a long journey.

On July 2016, I suddenly lost my love for blogging. Prior to that, on January 2016, I finally cut off ties with my ex-boyfriend, for good. Our relationship was on and off for a year and a half. It wasn’t a love-filled relationship. Well, at first I thought it was.

What I’m about to share is not just the “typical break-up” that caused me to stop doing what I love.

It was an unhealthy relationship.

I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by my ex-boyfriend.

I never thought that I would be with a person who’s a narcissist. A person that thinks that they live in a world where only one person existsThemselves.

I had no clue that a person like this can exist.

He cheated on me countless of times during the relationship.
There were a few times where I caught him red-handed with legit evidences and would still deny right on my face. Because of this, I had gotten mad and confronted him.
He hit me. He hit me for the first time and it wasn’t just one, not twice, not even thriceit was a multiple back-to-back slap as if I was a trial slapping bag he could just slap like that.

I’ve never been so scared in my entire life.

He told me that it’s my fault that he cheated. I just cried for hours.
There’s nothing I could do.  Self-doubt began to raise. Was it really me?

For all I know, I have given SO much that left nothing for me.

Later that day, he apologized but reminded me that he would do it again if that would shut me up about cheating confrontations. Unfortunately, it happened again a few weeks later.

It wasn’t just the physical abused that he inflicted on me but the betrayal of trust that I had given. The cheating, belittling, calling me names— these had done more harm than the physical abuse.

The last time he did it was when he punched my right eye because I was just telling him not to go to the club. I remember falling out of the floor, knocked out for a few seconds.
I’ve never been hit before. No one, until he did.

That exact moment, I knew he’s not the right one for me. And for the very first time, I felt the longing of love for myself; it was telling me to have pity on myself.
I never felt so shattered. So alone.

I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t I thought of that the first time he slapped me?

I asked myself the same question over and over again. At that time, I was weak. I had no one to turn to. I don’t want to bother my loved ones about what I’ve been going through and be a disappointment to them.

I was blind. I was in love on what I thought is love.
I was blinded by that “so-called love” that I thought I deserved.
It took me months to finally have the strength to break that toxic relationship.
I don’t know how it happened but one morning, I just told myself, enough is enough.

I can’t deal with this anymore. This is not the life I want for myself.

I blocked him to every social media possible that I own and my personal number too.
It wasn’t that easy though. Before the break-up, I’ve been telling him that I want to end our relationship but he would always shrug the idea off. I started to be cold and distant. And that alarmed him. Before he showed his true colors, I opened up about family conflicts that I’ve been dealing with and I didn’t know that he would use that against me. He set me up by sending nasty messages to my parents. It completely tore me down. Him, being the good guy and me,  the dirty daughter bitch. He was never sorry about what he had said against me and still want to be in a relationship with me.

He said he did that to teach me a lesson. I think he really had taught me a lesson.
A lesson that I should flee from him as soon as possible.
I don’t want to be with someone that treats me like a pile of crap. And so I did.

The first few weeks, he would send me text messages using an unknown or private number; trying to scare me.
I told him for the last time that if he keep doing this, I’d report him to the Police.
He stopped for months. And then he’d come back and send SMS and missed calls from unknown numbers. For a narcissistic person, it’s a game of postpone and pretend.
They will come and go anytime they want.
It gave me anxiety but I stood my ground. I still do until to this day.

The best way to stop a narcissistic ex from bothering you is to stop responding to their games. That’s what I’ve been doing until he’s completely tired of bothering me.

For the first time in my life, I finally did the right thing Get rid of him.

Although, I thought it was the end of it.
Not for myself.
I thought I would be okay after I broke it off but the after-effect just got through me.

I was in denial that I was doing okay.

I wasn’t.

No, I don’t miss him and I don’t regret ending my relationship with a monster.

I lost my identity.

I lost myself by giving him so much of love, attention, and carethat he doesn’t deserve. At all.

It’s like my life was entirely sucked out of me. I am lost in my own bubble.

Having a narcissistic person in your life are THIEVES that steal everything in your life. Relationships, for narcissists, are NOTHING but a GAME.  They will destroy your dreams, aspirations, inspirations, beliefs, confidence, other relationships and any positive things in your life.
You will only find out everything is gone until nothing is left inside of you.

 

I suffered from thoughts that I am useless and worthless. This went on for more weeks.
He was gone but the way he made me feel about myself were still there, haunting me.    

I was at the lowest point of my life but I chose to not give up.
I can’t give up.
I have loved ones, dreams to fulfill and future that awaits. After all, I survived the abuse so I surely will survive the recovery. I know that I will find the light at the end of the tunneland this will pass.

This is also why I decided to share this on my blog. Sharing this is not only a therapeutic experience but would also entirely help me recover; and by putting my recovery into wordsit will enable me to help others who had been dealing the same struggle like me.

The first step I did is to allow myself to have the time to accept everything that had happened. It was indeed hard to do but in order to move on, I have to accept what had happened.

I let go of the self-doubt and negative thoughts from the abuse.

I let myself grief from all the fear, confusion, anger and resentment brought by the abuse.

I took another step and engaged myself to studying and working out.

Studying refrained me from thinking negative thoughts and in return, it gave me knowledge and purpose by knowing what I can be capable of and how it will excel me throughout my career path. Funny how I use to hate studying back in HS. I never thought I would use it to get over the abuse. And it did help.

Working out definitely gave me a boost of confidence and love myself more than I loved myself before. I was so dedicated to working out that led me to develop another hobby, boxing.

I devoted my time to something worth doing and that helped me get off my comfort zone. It opened new opportunities that I thought I wouldn’t be able to do.

By September 2016, I was able to travel to Thailand for 10 days. I could only say that it was amazing. It was my first time to travel without my parents. I wasn’t alone though, I went with my sister and cousin. Nevertheless, It WAS fun.

Traveling abroad wasn’t really in the picture. At first, I was hesitant to visit Thailand.
I was more terrified than excited. Besides on being a first-timer, I would be a complete stranger. But then again, trying new things are always terrifying. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. Risky things and always out of your comfort zone.. But that’s the beauty of it, isn’t it?

After all, that’s how we all grow. We get to know our own self by confronting fears that keeps us away from living the life we always wanted. So yes, I shook ‘Buts’ and ‘What Ifs’ off and board the plane.

The vibrant streetlights of Bangkok to the lush greenery of Phuket gave me peace, clarity, and essence of positivity back to my entire well-being.

Travelling was one of the best gift I have ever given to myself.

For the first time in months, I felt alive.

The feeling of being worthless is gone but instead, I felt empowered and free.

After that trip, I met a few good friends who taught me how to live without fear of what’s going to happen next. It was an adventure of friendship and laughter.
They let me experienced a Happy-Go-Lucky life and I lived that life for a short while.
I went out more and met new people. It was like a coming-of-age movie where my 22-year old self gets to be a 17-year old girl all over again.
It was unbelievably fun and made be realize several things.

We did have had few bad times but we were able to surpass it.
I think there will always be room for errors.
After all, that’s how we get to know our friends better.
Friendships don’t always come perfectly on how we want it to be.

I’m glad to have friends who still listens to what I share, particularly, my past.
And that also includes my cousin and sister who are my 100% support system and never fails to give me bits of advice.

Last mid of February, I met my wonderful boyfriend. His name is Martin.
He appreciates me for who I am and treats me with respect.
I’m so glad that I’ve found someone who I can freely talk to.
He’s very supportive and has never left my side ever since I told him about my past.

Aside from my sister, He was also the one who thought that sharing what I’ve been through is a good idea. He’s right.

 

To Martin,

Thank you for making me feel safe. Thank you for being that guy who helped me lay out my struggles in a wonderful, logical “guy” way that mostly makes everything clear. Thank you for all these sweet gestures that you do like opening the passenger’s car door or treating me with ice cream. Thank you for being there when I had to deal with anxiety and for accepting me for who I am.

Thank you for being the best, supportive boyfriend. x

 

I’m glad that I am no longer with a monster.

To others who’s be dealing with the same struggle like me:

Moving onfrom the abuseis undeniably difficult. It will take time to re-build yourself. You will have not so good days. You might even still have to deal with conflicting emotions AND THAT’S OKAY because it won’t last forever.
The abuse doesn’t mean it’s your fault that you’ve been abused. THEY are the problem.

With time, learn to love yourself.
Do what you’ve been wanting to do, try new hobbies and don’t be afraid to try.
Cry if you want to cry.
Talk to anyone you know you can trust. Join a support group.


Just let it all out.

And most importantly, remember why you left.
You left because YOU’RE WORTH IT. You left because YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Trust me, your future self will thank you.  It’s worth it.

Cheers to more healing.  X O

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